Cap

tain JANE TREMBATH

Inspirational

S

peaker


AVIATION HUMOUR

Flight Training 1: The Forces of Flight

Flight Training 2: Simulator course for those who still hunger for the romance and adventure of long-haul flying. It will all come to you if you practice the following at home:

1. Stay out of bed all night

2. Sit in your most uncomfortable chair, in a closet, for nine or ten hours facing a four foot wide panoramic photo of a flight deck.

3. Have two or three noisy vacuum cleaners on high, out of sight but within hearing distance and operating throughout the night. If a vacuum cleaner fails, do the appropriate restart checklist.

4. Halfway through your nocturnal simulator course, arrange for a  bright spotlight to shine directly into your face for two or three hours, simulating flying an eastbound flight into the sunrise.

5. Have bland overcooked food served on a tray midway through the night.

6. Have cold cups of coffee delivered from time to time. Ask your spouse to slam the door frequently.

7. At the time when you must heed nature's call, force yourself to stand outside the bathroom door for at least ten minutes, transferring your weight from leg to leg, easing the discomfort.   Don't forget to wear your hat.

8. Leave the closet after the prescribed nine or ten hours, turn on your sprinklers and stand out in the cold and 'rain' for twenty minutes, simulating the wait for the crew car.

9. Head for your bedroom, wet and with your suitcase and flight bag. Stand outside the door until your wife gets up and leaves, simulating the wait while the maid makes up the hotel room.

10. When your spouse inquires, 'Just what in the hell have you been doing?' just say, 'Recalling the allure of all night flying to romantic places.' as you collapse into bed.

11. If you are a purist, do this two nights in a row.

12. To make this 'flight' more realistic find a stranger with gas and body odour, who you dislike, is boring and keeps falling asleep, to be your Captain.

Pilot-controller communications....

British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.
Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?'
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ATC: 'Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26 South via Tango check for workers along taxiway.'
Ali 345:  'Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working'
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ARN851: 'Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15.'
Halifax Terminal (female):  'Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks.  Expect runway 06.'
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ACA1147: 'Moncton, Air Canada 1147, can you get the winds from 167 above us?'
CZQM: 'As soon as I get a chance, I will.' (some time passes with continuous radio chatter)
ACA1147: 'Moncton, 1147, what are his winds up there?'
CZQM: 'Standby for that, please' (more radio chatter)
ACA1147: 'Moncton, can you ask company 167 for his winds?'
CZQM: 'Ok, 1147 and 167, I have a little too much to do for that sort of thing right now. I'll leave it up to you guys to go over to company frequency and pass winds.'
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Lost student pilot: 'Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself.'
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NY Ctr: 'Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three one zero, expect lower in ten miles.'
FedEx 235: 'Okay, outta three five for three one oh, FedEx two thirty-five.'
NY Ctr: 'Delta fahv twuntee, climb one ninah zeruh, dat'll be finah...'
Delta 520: 'Uhh... up to one niner zero, Delta five twenty.'
NY Ctr: 'Al-italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to two-a-fifty, please.'
Alitalia 16: 'HEY! You makea funna Alitalia?!'
NY Ctr: 'Oh, no! I make-a! funna Delta anna FedEx!'
--------------------------
Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR
---------------------------
Contol: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'
Pilot: 'Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'
Cont: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.'
Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots'
Cont: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'
Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?'
Cont: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'
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ATC: 'Cessna G-ARER What are your intentions? '
Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating.'
ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.'
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Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
Controller: oh, oh shit! You have traffic!
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O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.
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ATC:  Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019.
Pan AM 1:  Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC:  Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019
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Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'
Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center'
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Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
-------------------------
Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big E.'
Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.'
(short pause)...
Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to the big W immediately..'
--------------------
Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'
Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'
Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'
Approach: 'What's the matter 202?  Don't you have speed brakes?'
Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'
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Tower: '...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.'
Speedbird: 'That's correct; and my First Officer was slightly to the right'
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A deer is on the runway... so...
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Student: 'What should I do? What should I do?'
Inst: 'What do you think you should do?'   (think-think-think)
Std: 'Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away.'
Inst: 'That's a good idea.'  (Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std: 'What should I do? What should I do?'
Inst: 'What do you think you should do?'  (think-think-think)
Std: 'Maybe I should tell the tower.'
Inst: 'That's a good idea.'
Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway (long pause)
Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runway NN cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then -- by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.
It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.
-----------------------
Controller: 'USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'
Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!'
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Pilot: 'Approach, Federated 303 with you at 8000' for vectors ILS, full stop.
Approach: 'Unable Federated 303. The ILS is out of service.'
Pilot: 'We'll take the VOR then.'
Approach: 'Sir, the VOR's in alarm right now. Standby.'
Pilot: 'OK, guess it'll have to be the ADF then.'
Approach: '303, unable the ADF right now for traffic saturation.'
Pilot: 'OK, approach. State my intentions.'
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BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'
Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'
BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'
Bay: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'
------------------------------
Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy. Taxi,  Destination Stockton
Ground: Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport
------------------------------------
Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?'
Pilot: 'A340 of course!'
Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'
--------------------------
Tower (in Stuttgart): 'Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots.'
Pilot: 'This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and 170 knots...But we are flexible.'
Tower: 'We too. Reduce to 173 knots.'
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Tower: 'Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading.'
Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'
---------------------------------
Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit'
---------------------------------
Munchen II Tower: 'LH 8610 cleared for take-off.'
Pilot (LH 8610): 'But we are not even landed.'
Tower: Yes, who is then standing at 26 south? '
Pilot (LH 8801): 'LH 8801.'
Tower: 'OK, then you are cleared for take-off.'
--------------------------------
Tower: 'Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!'
Pilot Trainee: 'Roger' (pilot continues approach)
Tower: 'Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!'!
Pilot Trainee: 'Roger'
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the taxiway.
------------------------
Tower: 'Mission 123, do you have problems?'
Pilot: 'I think, I have lost my compass.'
Tower: 'Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!'
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Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'
Pilot: 'More or less.'
Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'
----------------------------
Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and  push back, please.'
Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'
Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'
Tower: 'Affirmative.'
Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'





© Jane Trembath 2014.  All rights reserved